So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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