The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
