Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
