and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Randomize
