As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
