Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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