i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Randomize
