so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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