i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
