So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
