I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
