it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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