I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
