Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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