I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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