she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
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