Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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