I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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