why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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