my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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