I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
