The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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