My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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