My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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