So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
