Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
