I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
