hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
