i love accidental penises.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
