fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Randomize
