i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
this beer tastes like vomit already
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
