i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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