We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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