bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
