I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
We were destined to go to rehab together
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
