You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
she pinky promised me she was 18
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I yelled at your uterus for you.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
