My Higher Power is John Stamos
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
