I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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