Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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