We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
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