If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
