Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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