I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
