I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
