I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
