Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
