Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
