I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
