i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
