I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
