Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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