I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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